In the morning I sit cross legged with my coffee. In the rain, or the dark, or the ethereal dawn – inhaling the staggering scent of lilies. My counselor said, “watch the places where you go UnConsious,” and my own mind filled in the rest, “because that’s what’s killing you.”
Breathe in. Breathe out. Sure enough, there’s a blind spot on the left side somewhere around the shoulder. If I could describe it… It looks like I’m one of those chakra diagrams, posed cross legged on a dark background with an aura outlining my body – and there’s a gap in the aura. It’s as if I were running my hands over my skin, but in that area there’s no sensation. It’s as if there is a pinhole prick in the tire – the energy is seeping out there. Pump it up with coffee, distractions, busy-ness – but out seeps the Life Force. “SSsssssssss……” So slowly and constantly that a person, not dreaming, unconscious, doesn’t even notice. Inert. Out seeps the Life Force, SSsssssss……
Breathe. Fear. Bodies will ill and bodies will die. It’s what they do. It’s not the gaps themselves that kill, it’s the UnConsiousness I’m afraid of. The loss of meaning. Forgetting. Some healers call it soul-loss. Our culture doesn’t acknowledge it at all. Not profitable.
I Dream. I Dream into my life, cross legged in my chair, facing the dawn. I Dream into the dark area.
In my Dream I am walking in an old forest, very dark, but there’s an opening in the trees ahead. A river runs from the opening through the forest toward me. The river glows slightly with it’s own light. I kneel down – the posture of the water-pourer of the Star card in Waite’s Tarot deck. I put my two hands into the river. They glow beneath the surface. For many months, I Dream of my hands glowing in the river. A salmon swims between my palms, heading upstream. Sometimes I hold the salmon, stroke her pregnant belly. And then, I slip my whole body into the stream, slide right in, glowing. I BECOME the salmon!
As I quietly fin my nose into the stream, I remember that I can find my Home, my origins, from the tiniest scent molecules. I remember that my sole purpose is to go Home, to find my Source, THAT place, to spawn and die. The water flows peacefully, gently over my flesh, cool ripples massage my body.
This is Healing, scenting my way Home.
I’ve been really enjoying the online writing class I’ve been taking with Jena Schwartz. Best one I’ve ever attended.